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Written by PJ Panigi
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Sunday, 27 June 2010 02:53 |
It's about 3:24am and once again I find myself not getting any sleep. It seems I am one of those people that has a mind that is always racing. I wish there was a power switch so I could shut it off when I need some rest, but sadly there is not. I have some of my best thoughts while I am asleep, yet when I'm awake at night...it's only the worst thoughts that come out to play. Again, I find myself worrying about finances, debt, and my ability to pull through some of the struggles that have come into my life this past year.
Many of you readers have no idea what I have endured this past year, and many of you will never know. It isn't really a huge deal, but enough to make me realize that when people say "anything can happen" they certainly do mean ANYTHING. I have fought through what I thought was the worst part, but the past never really dies. It still finds a way to come back and haunt you in your present day life. After countless efforts, I have finally landed a decent job. The pay is good and the hours will improve as long as I keep going steady on the path I am on. And it is with that where I seem to have some troubles.
It's fairly easy to GET on the right path, and it's a whole other thing to STAY on that path. I am giving it somewhat of a decent effort even though it hasn't done me well in the past. I suppose it is character building to go through most of lifes obstacles, but I mostly wish this specific one would have never happened. It has caused me to see the world through completely different eyes, red eyes. I now see people as threats and untrustworthy instead of opportunities to make new friends. I see the world as corrupt and damaged beyond repair, instead of full of opportunities as I once did. I can only hope that my vision will return to the way it once was, but as almost a year has passed and it has changed in the slightest.
People I once loved and trusted have come together to pull me down with them in their evil schemes and to some extent succeeded. I may not have taken part in these schemes, but may as well have as I was, in the beginning, held completely responsible for them. I did manage to set the record straight on these conspiracies amongst the ones who I thought cared for me, but the damage will not be unseen. I do realize most of this means nothing to most of you out there, but it is with general references I'd rather share this experience. This blog is for all the people out there wrongfully accused or mistreated and I am holding out my hand for support, if needed. Hopefully, with much effort, I can put this all in the past where it belongs and become, once again, the happy-go-lucky person I was known for.
Ciao for now,
Pj Panigi
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Written by PJ Panigi
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Wednesday, 23 June 2010 07:49 |
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Written by PJ Panigi
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Wednesday, 12 May 2010 00:10 |
Hey Everybody!
So, once again I find myself awake in the middle of the night, all by my lonesome. It seems that for some reason Insomnia finds me more often than I would hope. A couple of months ago while I was going through a life lesson, I discovered myself having trouble sleeping and doing this very same thing; although, back then it wasn't just every now and again, it was EVERY night. I guess that means I should really count my blessings, but it seems now that I have had about a month of sleep, Insomnia felt it would be nice to pick on PJ some more. The worst part, the past month that I have had "uninterrupted sleep" , I was having nightmares almost every night. Oh well, this is part of life I guess...well adult life anyway.
Sometimes I really miss the carelessness of being a child, no worries, no difficulties, just childhood. It's hard though because every time I find myself thinking that, I remember the freedom I didn't have back then. On the other hand, there are freedoms I am going without now too...but that is a whole different issue, one that probably won't make it to my published blogs.
I am still unemployed and just waiting for the perfect employer to see my resume and just die to have me aboard...but I am beginning to think that that will never actually happen. It has been months since I have had a stable job and it is doing nothing but keeping me cooped up in the apartment, alone and poor :(. I have no immediate worries as our income seems to get us by, with little to no extra. However, nobody said life would be easy, eh? I have really fallen behind when it comes to blogs and vlogs but for some reason the motivation just isn't there. I remember when I use to blame it on time. Well, needless to say, I have all the time in the world these days and yet I make less of them now than I did then...pity. I know I have so many loyal readers out there...not.
It's hard to feel like people even care when you look at your life and realize there is only really one person in it. Now, I am not complaining as one person is more than a lot of people have out there, but I am a 20 year old and I have no friends or immediate family in my everyday life. It's sad, but very true. I don't know what the issue is as I have tried putting Cory and I out there in the world screaming "Here we are, ask us to hangout!" but it never seems to work. The same people, and new people, continue to ignore our cries for a "normal" social life. I've always been a very excessive user of the wonder known as the internet, however I didn't think all my friends would only exist there.
My birthday is in less than 3 months and I was planning a huge extravaganza, I am beginning to see that it isn't going to happen. The most it will probably include is Cory and I...everybody else will be busy or blow me off, as usual. That reminds me of my 19th birthday party, made out flyers and bought a whole bunch of food, even had quite a few people RSVP "Yes" I was so sure it was going to be a great time...and when the day actually came...no one...nadda. Every soul that had made vows to be there had blown me off, not just one or two...but EVERYONE. I understand that not everyone in your life can make you priority numero uno...but can everyone in your life deliberately blow you off and ignore your phone calls on YOUR birthday...seems a bit too much to be coincidence. I have a strong feeling this birthday will be the same, only differences are...I won't invite anyone and I'll be legal to drink...so if I don't expect much, I can't be disappointed. I think I will get that stitched on a pillow or something. ;)
Well, this blog has ended up to be a lot longer than expected, but now everyone has had a glimpse into the real thoughts of PJ Panigi...just think...they get worse, lol. Maybe one day I'll share more of the inner workings of my mind, maybe I won't. Must admit they aren't the happiest of thoughts. Until next time ;)
Ciao 4 now,
PJ Panigi
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